So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
