I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
