I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
MIDGETS
????
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
