I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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