I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
