You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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