Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
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she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
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I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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