Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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