So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
