my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
third nipple confirmed
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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