I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
