I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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