Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
