i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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