I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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