I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm at about main and main street
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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