if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
