Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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