It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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