I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
