I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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