About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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