I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
