You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
