I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
