i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
