just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
