your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I stole a fireplace last night.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
