ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
