Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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