hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
