I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
