you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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