note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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