apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
