she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
