Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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