i think i have two assholes
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
