Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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