I got chris browned last night
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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