My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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