Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
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knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
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Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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