I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
