im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
