Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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