So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
