That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
