I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
