Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
