My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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