just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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