you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
