How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
