Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
