I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
