I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
