I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
im six kinds of drunk right now
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
