you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
